The history can be shared another day, but for now I have a problem. Just today, I looked at my fiance and said, "I have a problem. I am pretty sure I am addicted to food." Then I laughed. I told him how much I ate today, roughly 5000 calories maybe more because I wasn't keeping track of how much I ate or drank exactly. And I laughed some more. Then I told him about how the amount I normally eat just isn't cutting it for me anymore, I feel that I NEED more. I told him about how I get so mad if I don't give myself the food I want, and it makes me start to be mean and lash out. I told him how I hide what I eat. Just like earlier in the day, I grabbed two share packs of Butterfinger cups and ate both of them in one sitting. Then washed them down with a 44oz cherry coke. Then I disposed of the evidence. I told him that I often go to the gas station and get two candy bars. I eat one in the car and eat the other one when I get home and act as if I only bought one. And then you guessed it, I laughed again. I told him that I didn't know why I was laughing because it wasn't funny. His face read a look of worry and shock like he finally realized that the other times I said I had a problem I wasn't joking. It wasn't until today that I shared the details. Back to me laughing. I think it was more a response of nervous and an act to downplay the situation, two things I am pretty good at.
The truth is I am alone. I suffer. I feel that I have no one even when I am around everyone. I don't ever feel beautiful. Things never seem to go right. I often wonder what my purpose is or what I am good for. I feel worthless and unworthy. For me food fills in the void. For a moment I am not alone. Food will always be there and makes me not feel so empty. It solves my problems.
However, that fix is only temporary. After awhile I still feel all of those things and need to learn a better alternative. I need to learn to feel the emotion not smother it with gravy. Tonight, my eyes opened to the problems I have with food. I felt so ashamed over all that I ate today and even more ashamed at how much weight I have gained.
I am physically and mentally uncomfortable, but that all changes tomorrow.
I pledge not to drink pop and not to eat sweets for at least one day and most importantly to only eat the amount of food my body NEEDS, not what I need. I am only taking it one day at a time because anything else just seems overwhelming and unreachable.
