Food. The all controlling.

I've known for some time now that I have a problem; I just tried to tell myself otherwise.  You know the typical stuff, like, oh you just like good food or you're a product of your environment.  Sure, while my environment probably did take an initial role in my bad eating habits what evolved was on a whole different level. 

The history can be shared another day, but for now I have a problem.  Just today, I looked at my fiance and said, "I have a problem.  I am pretty sure I am addicted to food."  Then I laughed.  I told him how much I ate today, roughly 5000 calories maybe more because I wasn't keeping track of how much I ate or drank exactly.  And I laughed some more.  Then I told him about how the amount I normally eat just isn't cutting it for me anymore, I feel that I NEED more.  I told him about how I get so mad if I don't give myself the food I want, and it makes me start to be mean and lash out.  I told him how I hide what I eat.  Just like earlier in the day, I grabbed two share packs of Butterfinger cups and ate both of them in one sitting.  Then washed them down with a 44oz cherry coke.  Then I disposed of the evidence.  I told him that I often go to the gas station and get two candy bars.  I eat one in the car and eat the other one when I get home and act as if I only bought one.  And then you guessed it, I laughed again.  I told him that I didn't know why I was laughing because it wasn't funny.  His face read a look of worry and shock like he finally realized that the other times I said I had a problem I wasn't joking.  It wasn't until today that I shared the details.  Back to me laughing.  I think it was more a response of nervous and an act to downplay the situation, two things I am pretty good at. 

The truth is I am alone.  I suffer.  I feel that I have no one even when I am around everyone.  I don't ever feel beautiful.  Things never seem to go right.  I often wonder what my purpose is or what I am good for.  I feel worthless and unworthy.  For me food fills in the void.  For a moment I am not alone.  Food will always be there and makes me not feel so empty.  It solves my problems.  

However, that fix is only temporary.  After awhile I still feel all of those things and need to learn a better alternative.  I need to learn to feel the emotion not smother it with gravy.  Tonight, my eyes opened to the problems I have with food.  I felt so ashamed over all that I ate today and even more ashamed at how much weight I have gained.  

I am physically and mentally uncomfortable, but that all changes tomorrow.  

I pledge not to drink pop and not to eat sweets for at least one day and most importantly to only eat the amount of food my body NEEDS, not what I need.  I am only taking it one day at a time because anything else just seems overwhelming and unreachable.